Advent 2011

The first Sunday of Advent and Mary and Joseph have started their long journey to the stable, following the stars. We've used this Nativity scene every year since my eldest was a baby. It's so lovely getting the box out and being reunited with all the figures. Invariably there is a new star or two to be made every year as they become aged and ragged with time. There are so many memories associated with the scene, the stories we have told every year and the delight of the children's faces as each day we move our Holy couple along their way and that days star is put into the sky.  

We also enjoy our family tradition of the Advent String, a new parcel to open each day, beginning on Advent Sunday. This years string is ready and waiting with lots of lovely surprises, some old, some new. A little gift to make us smile every day as we move towards Christmas

Still singing it loud

Driving in the car yesterday a song came on that had me singing at the top of my voice with tears in my eyes and a daft smile on my face. I must have looked like a completely crazed woman. In some ways, I was.

I used to listen to this in the car when I was traveling backwards and forwards to the hospital visiting my husband earlier this year. It will remind me forever of that dark period of time, with it's shades catching a light reflection now and again, making the future look brighter.

I wonder when I will next be touched again by the strong emotions that are stirred in me when hearing this poignant music and its powerful words. How much further along our path will we be then?

It's always good to have a powerful anthem to make you smile and give thanks for all you have. Love it!

Love and Hearts

The school residential trip was a huge success for our daughter. She had an amazing time away and returned home with many happy stories and memories to last forever.


Our hospital appointment was  also a success -


We were very fortunate to find that two of the children's echos were entirely normal. The third one has a defect in the atrial septum which we have been advised to have closed.


Traveling home from the hospital I felt like I had had a huge blow to my body. Physically, I felt drained of all energy and utterly exhausted, unable to move and having to concentrate on breathing.


I cried and felt hollow - upset by so many emotions.


Over the following days we have worked our minds round to the logical positive mindset.


How amazing that we have been able to find out this information through such non-invasive testing.


It has been difficult to explain to the children, and obviously to the child with the positive result. It has been a balance between sharing all the information we know, with not allowing them to be scared or with a feeling of vulnerability. This is just the first step along the way, but what a huge leap it is.


This mechanical defect within such a precious organ, central to our life being, and also the symbol of love and humanity has been found and will be repaired before any major repurcussions due to it can occur.


How lucky are we??


Our fourth child will have her echocardiogram shortly and then we will begin to make our plans with the drs, who will once more help to 'patch up the holes' and allow us to get on with living our full lives.


Our children are incredible and we will support each other as only a family can - with exceptional love and all of our hearts

Night soul letter to my friend

• 

  
  
  Dearest Friend, 
  So here I am again in the dead of night tired and awake and praying hard, tonight, for my babies. The babies who are sleeping soundly, and who as I move from room to room, can hear gently breathing and snoring. I've been to them all, watched them intently, and felt their bodies breathing deeply and soundly.
  
  

  
  

  Tomorrow is the beginning of an adventure for one. A magical trip for a ten year old - a five day long adventure with her school to N Yorkshire with all of her precious best friends, her classmates and her teachers.

  
  

  We've packed the bags, listed the items and talked about her hopes and dreams for her time away. In the morning she will choose one of my scarves to take away with her - she asked so sweetly to borrow one as they smell so beautifully - of me! How my heart melted.

  
  

  I will give my child to the trusted hands of her teachers tomorrow morning, to the coach driver who we're assured has many years experience, and to my daughter, herself, that she may make her own decisions wisely and with care.

  
  

  She will have such an adventure, making memories to last a lifetime. And I long to hear about some of those experiences when she returns. Others, she will keep in the magical private box of her mind. A mixture of these may be the stories she returns to for many years with a smile.

  So tomorrow I'll wave my second baby away on her bus, wipe away my tears and know that I am letting my baby chick fly the nest for a short time, prepared with the skills of life that we have shared with her for this moment from the earliest time we held her in our arms and gazed into her eyes. She will be safe and protected and will return to the nest happy and with a new sparkle in her eye.
  
  

  
  

  Unbroken Hearts

  
  

  Our long day tomorrow will continue with a trip to see the wonderful cardiologist who has played a helping hand in my husbands recovery from his stroke five months ago, and hopefully to avoid any further strokes in his future. 

  
  

  
  

  During one of many investigations my husband endured after having his stroke, he was found, among other things, to have a hole in his heart, a Patent Foramen Ovale - a PFO. This, the drs almost rejoiced in as a possible cause of his stroke. It was operable and a well-known phenomenon.

  
  

  He had a surgical procedure done to close his PFO and recovered well.

  
  

  Tomorrow we return with three of our children to undergo initial tests to see if they have this genetic structural heart defect which could possibly lead to their own health difficulties.

  
  

  Knowledge is power here for us. We were counseled about the decision to investigate the children's health now, how it may affect their life insurance in future, how further decisions would need to be made if initial ones suggest it. All we know is that if we can do anything to help prevent them from suffering the awfulness of a stroke in their young lives, it must be done.

  
  

  1 in 4 of the general population may have a PFO. Some of these may have the further structural heart anomalies that my husband has.

  
  

  Tomorrow, 3 of our 4 children will meet with the consultant again, this time as patients. I pray so hard that all of their scans are clearly a positive result for us, healthy text book hearts.

  
  

  
  

  Our little bird out on her first free-flying adventure will be seen for her investigation at a later date, when she returns.

  
  

  So tonight as I now kiss my babies a final good-night, I pray that tomorrow will be a great day to remember for us all

  
  
  
  
  Thank you for your support and love, my dearest friend. You really have made my days lighter and my long dark nights shorter 
  
  
  xxxxx
  
  
  
  
  
  

Seven years

Another year has passed and I find myself looking back once more with sadness.


Time is a great healer....it is true, yet a heart remembers the wounds with a sharp memory and painful movement.


Seven years, we are told, is a natural cycle for so many things in our lives. The turning wheels of time come to a full revolution.


Every cell in my body has been renewed over the past seven years - I am led to believe -
Does this mean I am any different to the person I was? In many ways I am...


The blood which some kind soul had donated, helped my body to recover from a violent cycle of nature where my body had failed. I am forever grateful for this gift so precious. I was angry for the need my body had at the time - my body had failed in taking special care of a baby so small, had allowed it to fall from my womb so bitterly. I tried to cling with all my might, hold her tight, never let her go...but she was gone. 


Thank you to the selfless person who donated their blood that I may live now. 


My memories return also to the network of support I had around me seven years ago. My family, continously there for me.... My husband, my rock - he's still here today fighting for his fitness... How truly lucky are we as a family? 


Friends....I remember like yesterday the support and love I felt. My mind returns to these people with great fondness these last few days. They shared a special time with me, and my family, and I will hold a tender place for them in my heart forever. Ever grateful and with a strong emotional attachment. Some remain friends today, others I have lost touch with. Tonight, I remember them all, with love.....


As this seven year cycle draws to a close, I look forward to the next but will always look back, maybe now I can smile with fondness, the wisdom of experience and the space that time brings....

Thank you to all who helped and loved me. I wish you joy and peace tonight x

Hearts Together

This photograph makes my heart ache inside, but smile with thankfulness from somewhere deep within.

Five months ago my gorgeous husband, at the very young age of 41 suffered a brain stem stroke.

The day before, we had celebrated his birthday at home with a party for family and friends. 

The suddenness of his awful condition was devastating to us all. He suffered from paralysis on his left hand side, affecting both his movement and his speech. 

In the hospital the amazing medical team were very open and frank. His condition was very serious, and after a further incident noted to have occurred on his brain while in the hospital a day later, the wonderful doctor took me aside and cried as she told me that the next 48 hours were critical.  

Our beautiful children were at his bedside when I noticed that his condition appeared to be worsening.  

The completely wonderful consultant, upon further investigation, confirmed that he had suffered another trauma. She suggested that I stay at the hospital to be with him. My mum was also invited to stay with us that night for my own support. We were moved to the room opposite the nurses station where a chair beside his bed became my base. 

This photograph was taken at on 24th May 2011 at 5am, following a very long and emotional night. As my lovely man had slept, I kept guard over him - waiting to fight whatever it was that was threatening to take him away from me. My mum and I cried and shared. We willed him with all our might to keep fighting, to beat this sorrowful experience. 

At 5am he finally opened his eyes to the day and for a moment we were able to share again the love that flowed between us. It is a moment I will remember forever and ever. So painful, yet so honest. Those few minutes were full of everything that had ever been between us, and whatever was still to come in our future.....

This picture gives me hope, for always

The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. 


It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. 


- Mary Oliver, "The Uses of Sorrow"

Wishing Moon

What a difficult time we've had lately. 

So much has happened and we are all still spinning a little from the experiences.

A little friend of mine has been gently prompting me to come back to my 99 Dreams and Wishes and find the magic and inspiration within again. 

So, dipping my toes back in I am reminded of my list and the excitement and thrill it brings.

Yesterday was a Full Wishing Moon. We wrote wishes for ourselves, each other, and our friends and hung them on our Wishing Tree. The children whispered some of their more private wishes into the ear of our magical stone pixie. 

The moon hung behind the clouds for most of the evening, and although it was very wet and raining when we hung our wishes, the photos seem to show a beautiful sunny afternoon. 

It must be a sign.

Who's the fairest of them all?

I am a beautiful and unique being. I have a wonderful smile

Today I am grateful for my body and the way it can move so gracefully with power and strength - thanks Nia and friends

I am grateful for the presence and communication of friends

I am grateful for the sweet voices of my children who have been singing to me for hours

When I Am An Old Woman

WARNING

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples' gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickles for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

by Jenny Joseph

Blessed are those

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
Matthew 5:4


Beautiful memories, Silently kept, of a baby we loved, And will never forget

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we long for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we love you.

Author Unknown

If    the    eyes    had    no tears   ,tthehe soulsoul would     have     no     rainbow.
Native American Proverb

In memory of our tiny Sara Snowflake x

Dreams and Wishes Visual Inspiration

I created a beautiful visual board to remind myself at a glance of all the promises I have made to myself.

Why not have a go at making one for yourself at wordle ....

Autumn Full Moon Blessings

Autumn has truly arrived and today is again the day of the Full Moon.


Autumn is a most beautiful season. The colours of the trees and leaves remind me of the riches of our land and the warmth of our home. The apple trees have been heavy with fruit, inspiring lots of home baking and autumnal cooking. The darker light and drop in temperature has requested candles, dimmed lighting and slippers at home, hats and scarves outside. I love this time of year!


It's been a funny few weeks since the full moon of October. A lot of changes are taking place within me and around me. Some have been difficult to face, yet others have been a joy. It has been especially sad to hear a friend's mournful news. You know how much a person means to you when you can feel their pain and your heart aches for them. Special wishes and thoughts go to my beautiful friend today who hurts so much. I wish I could do more to help.


The children have been getting in to the swing of the routines and rituals of the school year. They broke up yesterday for the half term break and are in high spirits today. Our Autumn nature table is looking beautiful and the pumpkins are waiting to be carved. It's going to be a happy and busy week.

Sunny Sunday

Just spent the most delicious day at our friends house. 

I took a cake.  Ta-daaa - a gift of cake for September (although I did eat a little lot myself)

There's nothing like a lazy Sunday afternoon with friends, food, wine - oops we broke the detox for a special occasion!! - and chat. 

-

I Believe

Full Moon, Double Rainbow and a Goodbye

Yesterday was an emotional and tiring day spent with family at my paternal Grandmothers funeral.


Much of my day was wrapped up in memories and emotions, some still tangled up with the past, some more open and free.


I was prompted to revisit childhood relationships, my religious, social and spiritual beliefs. My mind explored my past and my present. My family. 


I discovered a beautiful woven web of history and character, a masterpiece of creation by myself and all of those who have impacted on my life.


Yesterday we all gathered together as family and friends for a special lady who had touched all of our lives. We all held her in our hearts for what she meant to us. We were united in our loss.


I was glad to pay my respects to a Grandmother who was a kind, generous, and loving woman. An inspiration for us all to follow.


On our drive home we saw the most beautiful double rainbow and of course, our lovely Full moon.


What beautiful symbols of God's creation and love .....


I was reminded of the children's song
.
"when you see a rainbow, remember God is love, when you see a rainbow remember God is love"

I am also reminded me of two more of my dreams and wishes, to search for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and to choose my own funeral songs. Come on Sarah, chop chop!

Book 2/40, Stargirl

Stargirl, by Jerry Spinelli

"people are afraid of people who are different. That's what prisons and mental hospitals are for."

A beautiful book about non-conformity, peer pressure, bravery and being true to yourself. This was the story of Stargirl, a unique and colourful free spirit who has great confidence in her self and her own ability to make others happy. I found myself smiling at Stargirl’s random acts of kindness. She would play the ukelele and sing Happy Birthday to everyone she knew. She would leave gifts on people’s door steps, give surprise gifts of candy to her classmates on Halloween. She would drop coins on the pavement for people to find.  Stargirl was happy(?) to be an individual, a non-conformist. 

We all have someone who changes our lives in a way that we cant even start to describe, and the author has captured this perfectly in Stargirl. 

This isn't, however, a sickly sweet story of do-gooding but a comment on how we all feel we must conform.

It made me sad, but not in the way I think I was being shown to feel.  

Some may say that I have missed the point and that I should want to be more like Stargirl, for my children to be more like Stargirl, for our community to have more Stargirls dancing and singing to each other. I don’t. 

The story seemed to be addressing the old question : be unique and happy with yourself, or conform and make everyone else happy.

I want for myself, and for my children, to be happy and feel the joy of making others happy. Whether that involves individuality, conformity or blending in to a crowd I don’t think is important. 


For me the thoughts that I took away after reading were more about being loving and caring towards others, sharing kindness and ideals, being gentle and understanding, accepting yourself and others for what they are.   

“The theme of uniformity is an ongoing one”

I questioned Stargirl as an individual character. She was unique in a conforming, structured way. She sang Happy Birthday to people whether they wanted her to or not. At times I found myself uncomfortable in her presence. This didn’t seem to be a girl who was happy in her own skin, with her own ideas. I couldn’t help but feel that Stargirl has had difficulty in ‘fitting in’ in the past, and has taken measures to protect her self from the insecurity she felt. Her individuality seems to me to be her armour of protection. 

I longed to give Stargirl a hug and allow her to feel comfortable enough to let her guard down for just a short while, to stop conforming to non-comformity. 

There was a beautiful point in the book where Stargirl took Leo, her beau to her Enchanted Place and introduced him to meditation. It was beautifully written and captured a tangible sense of friendship and acceptance. This was where I felt closest to Stargirl and glimpsed the girl inside her colourful shell of protection. 

My daughter (12) read the book too and claimed that it was quite unlike anything she had ever read before. An inspiration! What better review than that, from a girl within the target audience? 

We will both be reading the next book, Love Stargirl and comparing notes and using the book as a bounce board for further discussions.


Thanks Ceri!

Starting School

The School Run

Today was the first day of school for the youngest of our brood. We're entering a whole new era for our family and it is an exciting time for all of us. We took the usual First Day of School photos before leaving the house and his elder siblings made promises of looking after him in the playground. They took their promise seriously as when he came home at lunchtime and I asked what his favourite part his day had been, he replied that it was playing with his sisters. 

He had a great time and was excited about bringing reading books home in his bag. We read them together this afternoon while we snuggled on the sofa and talked. I can now hear one of his sisters reading them again to him in his bedroom. 

As they grow older I am sure that they all as siblings will share more things in common, yet  possibly have more grievances to bear. But they'll be there for each other.

Tonight, that makes me smile. 

"It takes a village to raise a child..."

I have been finding the idea my baby going to school very heart wrenching for many reasons. I have read many poems which summed up my emotions, speaking of how quickly they grow, the bittersweet feelings it evokes, and the teary nostalgic vision of the past and for the future. Many of them have made me cry as I felt the tugs on my heart strings. 

I then found this poem which inspired me and made me feel positive. All of my children have started the new term with a new teacher. These teachers are going to help us as parents to guide them through the coming year. I hope that they all build a good relationship with their new teachers and that they will feel motivated and inspired in their lives by their teachers, friends and family. 

It reminds me now of the old African proverb....


I will feel comforted by this as my children grow up and in to the world. 

Unity
I dreamed I stood in a studio

And watched two sculptors there,

The clay they used was a young child’s mind

And they fashioned it with care. 

One was a teacher:

the tools she used were books and music and art;

One was a parent

With a guiding hand and gentle loving heart.

And when at last their work was done,

They were proud of what they had wrought.

For the things they had worked into the child

Could never be sold or bought!

And each agreed she would have failed

if she had worked alone.

For behind the parent stood the school, 

and behind the teacher stood the home!

By Cleo V. Swarat